The 5 biggest mistakes when communicating with a high conflict ex
- kellielindsay
- Mar 21
- 3 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
Your partner's ex just sent another angry message claiming you're trying to replace her as a mother.
You spend hours crafting a thoughtful message explaining that you respect her role and only want what's best for the children. Instead of calming down, she responds with an even more hostile message that ignores everything you've said and adds new accusations that you're 'manipulative'.
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.
Responses that would work with most people backfire spectacularly with high conflict people (HCPs). Why? Because HCPs don't follow normal communication patterns. They consistently blame others, think in black-and-white terms, struggle to manage their emotions, and often resort to extreme behaviours.
While most adults can discuss issues logically, HCPs operate from a place of emotional reactivity rather than rational problem solving.
Understanding these patterns is important, because it explains why your sensible, well-intentioned responses usually make situations worse instead of better.
Let's examine the five biggest communication mistakes you're making, and how you can avoid them.
Mistake #1: Trying to make her see reason
It feels natural to think that if you just explain things clearly, she will understand your perspective and behave more reasonably.
Unfortunately, your well-thought-out explanations fall on deaf ears because she's not interested in your perspective. She's interested in maintaining her narrative of her as the victim and you as the villain.
She will never see herself as contributing to the problem — you're the problem.
No matter how reasonable your argument, it won't address the underlying emotional drivers that are causing her behaviour.
Mistake #2: Engaging in emotional battles
When someone attacks you, your instinct is to defend yourself. While these feelings may be completely valid, with HCPs, this reaction gives them exactly what they're looking for.
This is because HCPs unconsciously seek emotional reactions from others. The engagement itself (not resolution) is their actual goal. The more emotionally you react, the more she escalates, because:
It validates her worldview
She sees your reaction as proof that she's right about you (that you're unstable, threatening, etc.)
It provides control
Your reaction shows she can affect your emotional state, giving her a sense of power and control.
It supplies "evidence"
She can now use your emotional response as "proof" to others that you're the problem.
It creates drama
The high-conflict cycle continues, which may be oddly comforting to her as it's a familiar pattern.
Mistake #3: Over-explaining
If you find yourself writing paragraph after paragraph in texts or emails, hoping that more detail will finally make things clear, stop.
This approach backfires for several reasons.
First, it creates a written record that can be taken out of context or used against you later.
Second, it signals that you feel a need to justify yourself to her, reinforcing to her the authority she perceives she has over you.
Finally, all those details just give her more points to argue with and more "evidence" of your supposed wrongdoing.
She isn't interested in resolution — only in proving you wrong.
Mistake #4: Getting trapped in past issues
The recycling of old conflicts is a classic high-conflict pattern.
HCP’s often have difficulty accepting and healing from past losses or perceived injustices, so they bring them up repeatedly as if they happened yesterday.
Engaging with these old issues just keeps them alive and gives them fresh power in the present.
Your explanations about past events won't change her perception of what happened, it only reinforces her belief that these issues remain relevant and unresolved.
Mistake #5: Trying to label or diagnose her
When dealing with challenging behaviours from people, it's tempting to put a name to it and then inform them, hoping this will lead to self-awareness and them changing their behaviour.
This just backfires (with most people, but especially HCPs). A fundamental aspect of HCPs is that they never see their own behaviour as the problem. No matter how well you deliver it, you will not succeed at giving them insight into themselves.
Instead, it will be taken as a fundamental attack on their character and trigger an extreme response, which will only make your situation significantly worse.
How to avoid these mistakes
While these responses might feel natural or even satisfying in the moment, they ultimately keep you trapped in a pattern that drains your energy and disrupts your peace.
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells every time she messages you, it’s time to start responding with calm, clarity, and confidence.
