Why does she act like this? The high conflict personality explained

Have you ever found yourself wondering why your partner's ex seems to make everything so difficult? Why simple conversations turn into arguments? Why plans are constantly derailed by last-minute changes? 

"Why can't she just be normal??"

It's exhausting, isn't it? Just when you think things might calm down, another storm arrives out of nowhere. Her behaviour often seems irrational and deliberately designed to make your life difficult.

But here's something that might change your perspective entirely:

Her actions aren't about you at all.

They're part of a predictable pattern that serves a purpose for her, even while creating chaos for everyone else.

Understanding this pattern can be your first step toward freedom from the drama cycle.

The reality of high conflict people

The term ‘high conflict person’ or ‘high conflict personality’ describes someone with a specific pattern of behaviour that increases conflict rather than resolving it. The issues come and go, but their personality traits create the same conflicts over and over again, regardless of the situation or people involved.

This isn't about labelling someone as 'difficult' — it's about recognising a consistent pattern that helps explain why traditional approaches to communication and problem-solving don't work.

According to the High Conflict Institute, high conflict people (HCPs) typically display four main behaviour characteristics:

1. All-or-nothing thinking

   
   

HCP's see every situation in black and white. There are no grey areas where other perspectives can be valid. Therefore, compromise isn't an option.

To them, there's just one explanation for a problem (theirs) and one solution (theirs) that must be implemented immediately. Any suggestion otherwise is interpreted not just as a disagreement but as a personal attack.

You might notice this when even the smallest decisions become battlegrounds, or when reasonable requests are met with extreme resistance.

2. Unmanaged emotions

   
   

HCPs have poor emotional control and often react in ways that feel excessive compared to the issue at hand, catching others off guard. A simple change in pickup time might trigger an explosion of texts, calls, and accusations.

These intense emotions override logical thinking and dominate decision making. They transform feelings into 'facts' ("I feel disrespected, therefore you must be disrespecting me").

Many dwell on the past, criticising others and focusing on how unfairly they’ve been treated, and repeat the same complaints endlessly to anyone who will listen.

What makes this especially challenging is that these intense emotional responses aren't just occasional outbursts — they're a consistent part of their everyday interactions. They seem oblivious to the exhausting emotional impact they have on others.

3. Extreme behaviours

HCPs have an inability to control their emotions and an intense desire for control. They can’t cope if things don’t go their way. So when normal conflict tactics don't get them the control they want, they escalate to more extreme behaviours that most people would never consider.

This might include making false allegations, involving police in routine parenting matters, spreading damaging rumours, withholding the children, engaging in ongoing harassment, or threatening legal action over minor issues.

4. Blaming others

The most defining trait of HCPs is their preoccupation with blame. They frequently and intensely they blame others, often targeting those close to them. They constantly find fault with this person (or persons), attacking them for anything that goes wrong, while seeing themselves as innocent and free of responsibility.

The blame is personal, and out of proportion to any actual issue. It is delivered with such intense emotional conviction that it sounds like legitimate criticism to outsiders who don't know the full story.

This blame shifting happens with such conviction that you might even start questioning yourself.

She genuinely believes she is the victim, not a participant in the problem.

The big question: WHY does she act like this?

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And it’s important to understand that while it feels personal, this behaviour isn't about you.

It's the result of deeply ingrained personality patterns that exist regardless of you.

High conflict personalities develop for complex reasons. While each person's story is different, these patterns come from a combination of genetic personality traits, childhood experiences and past unresolved trauma.

So beneath the conflict is a person struggling with their own pain and fear.

High conflict people typically cannot see their own behaviour patterns, and because of this, they don't change easily. They genuinely believe they are the victims and simply responding to threats and attacks from others.

So what looks like a fight about pickup times is actually driven by patterns that have nothing to do with the situation at hand.

From her perspective, she's not being unreasonable — she's responding to threats that feel very real to her, even if they don't exist outside her perception. That's why trying to reason with her rarely works.

A mental shift to change your thinking

When you understand how high conflict people operate, you can begin to detach from the frustration. Instead of asking, "Why is she doing this to me?", you can think, "This is just what high-conflict people do."

Instead of wondering why she sent a barrage of accusatory texts over something minor, you can think, "Of course she did. That's what high conflict people do when they feel threatened." Instead of being shocked when she makes false allegations, you can see "This is a typical reaction when high conflict people don't get the response they want."

It’s not about excusing harmful behaviour. It's about recognising that her actions follow a predictable pattern that has little to do with you (or even reality). It's about freeing you from taking it personally and from exhausting yourself trying to change what you can't change.

This shift in perspective creates emotional space between you and the conflict. It's the first step toward reclaiming your peace.

Is she high conflict or just difficult? Find out for sure > Take the free quiz

Note: While understanding patterns high conflict people is helpful, please do not openly label people or use this information in conflict. It will make your life much more difficult if you do! This understanding is for your benefit so you can adapt your behaviour, not as ammunition.